Ryan McKee compiled a list for AskMen.com of some of today’s best one-liners from a variety of comics. I’m in there but my favorites are:

I’m very religious. I don’t believe gays should celebrate holidays. God made Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve. — Paul Jay

Throwing rice at a wedding is a tradition. Unless it’s an Asian couple, then it’s a hate crime. — Shawn Pearlman

I like eating Black Forest ham because it sounds like I had to kill a troll to get it. — Jordan Morris

I think it would be really confusing if you’re performing an abortion and somebody runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!” — Dan Mintz

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going, and hook up with them later. — Mitch Hedberg