Listen Hermione… I mean, Emma. Sorry, I know you hate when I do that. I just want to say that the last two years of me having a crush on you have been great. You’re funny, charming, and beautiful. Yes some say it’s kinda creepy because I’m 31 and you’re 21, but I’m glad we’ve both rose above that. My dad was 12 years older than my mom so… it’s not that creepy. I know you want to be more than the “girl from Harry Potter” and that you cutting off all your hair is manifestation of that. I GET THAT. But here’s the thing, you need to run shit like this by me first if you expect me to keep up this crush. I mean, couldn’t you have just gotten a nose ring or a henna tattoo? Oooo, what about a new hat? You like hats, right? What about a new hat? WHY NOT A FUCKING HAT!

(deep breath)

Sorry. I get what you did but it’s just that… what if I went and got a face tattoo? No really Hermione, shit, I mean Emma. What if I got Rupert Grint’s face tattooed on my face and just showed up to the premiere? I’m guessing you would be pretty surprised. Well that’s exactly how I felt when I saw this. I just don’t understand why you did it. Was it for Halloween? Did you go dressed as Haley Joel Osment? Or a Q-tip? You could have just worn a funky hat. 

(more deep breaths)

And you pull this stunt a week before the premiere of Deathly Hallows? That is so fucked up Emma. It’s fucked up and selfish. How am I supposed to enjoy the movie when I know your hair dies. You know, I’m thinking of crushing on Emma Stone. Yeah I said it. I’m even thinking of going back to my previous crush, Amanda Bynes. She fucking killed it in She’s the Man. That scene where she scores the goal and then reveals that she isn’t a boy, but a girl - the definition of fucking epic. 

(a single tear falls to the ground)

Listen, I gotta go. I hope you find what you are looking for Emma. Call me in two years when you have a bob.