CLEANSE

I’m on a health kick and am doing a two week cleanse. I’m not doing one of those nothing-but-lemon-juice-and-cayenne-pepper-death-cleanses. I’m just giving up alcohol, coffee, soda, fast food, red meat and am generally eating healthy and working out. So far I’ve lost 2 lbs. and am having the worst gas of my life. I’ve started referring to my flatulence as “the devil’s breath.” The pic above is from Day 1 of the cleanse. I decided to start everything off with a clean shave. Halfway through I dropped my razor and the blade popped off. I watched twirl through the air and right down the drain.

“No worries,” I thought. “I’ll just break out a fresh razor. It’ll go along with this whole fresh-start-cleanse thing.”

Unfortunately, I was all out of razors. I thought I had a plastic one somewhere, but a frantic search yielded nothing. So I went to Ride Aid with my half beard and found an 8-pack of Mach 3 blades. I felt like such an idiot, especially during checkout.

ME: Just the razors, no bag.

CASHIER: That’ll be $28.32.

ME: $28 bucks? I thought they were $16?

CASHIER: Nope. $28.32.

ME: Fucking a razors are expensive. 

You think a guy with half a beard on his face wouldn’t mind shelling out $28 for some razors. I was obviously in desperate need of one. To the cashier’s credit, she didn’t even flinch. To my credit, I wasn’t even the weirdest looking one there. This was not a good way to start my cleanse.