Over the holidays, I cleaned out a bunch of stuff in my attic and came across my old water bottle. As the layers upon layers of stickers show, I had this thing for years. I could never throw it away, even though it’s made of the bad plastic that gives you cancer or whatever. It’s crap like this that I get attached to — water bottles, sneakers, sandals, basically anything that would accompany you during “your travels.” I mean, I once hung onto a pair of zip-off pants for about five years too long.

Zip. Off’s.

But in an effort to cut down on my stuff at home, I finally bid adieu to my cancer-causing water bottle. But I want you take a look at the pictures and just imagine how many times I tried to ingratiate myself to a cute girl at a campfire by telling her all about the stickers on my water bottle.*

* Guys, this is a terrible idea. Just kiss her already.