I don’t know if this makes me unromantic, but I once heard this girl in college squeal like crazy when she opened the door to her dorm room. Her boyfriend had snuck in and decorated her entire room in Valentine’s Day crap. Streamers, roses, chocolates — the whole nine yards. He also put this tiny globe on a silver platter with a card that read:

“I always wanted to give you the world on a silver platter.”

I thought it was the dumbest thing I have ever seen. She was moons over my hammy for him though, but I don’t trust her judgement.

He was a townie after all.

Over the holidays, I cleaned out a bunch of stuff in my attic and came across my old water bottle. As the layers upon layers of stickers show, I had this thing for years. I could never throw it away, even though it’s made of the bad plastic that gives you cancer or whatever. It’s crap like this that I get attached to — water bottles, sneakers, sandals, basically anything that would accompany you during “your travels.” I mean, I once hung onto a pair of zip-off pants for about five years too long.

Zip. Off’s.

But in an effort to cut down on my stuff at home, I finally bid adieu to my cancer-causing water bottle. But I want you take a look at the pictures and just imagine how many times I tried to ingratiate myself to a cute girl at a campfire by telling her all about the stickers on my water bottle.*

* Guys, this is a terrible idea. Just kiss her already.

I couldn’t go to my 10-year college reunion this year, but my friend Tom did and snapped a picture of the banner we all wrote on, which would be on display at our five-year reunion. Ohhh me.

I totally was bald by then btw.