I like to take my dates and park in spaces marked “For Expectant Mothers Only”,
because then they know what’s up, right guys?
(And that was one of the first jokes I ever wrote. I got the idea from the Stork Parking sign at our local supermarket. Thankfully, I’ve moved beyond jokes about sexual assault. I haven’t moved far, but at least I’ve moved.)
MATING
I was at a beach recently watching the seals, when one of the male seals got up and lumbered over to one of the females seals. He then tried to “make it rain all up inside her.” This was in front of a crowd of families with small children. The park volunteer next to me said, “Oh look! They’re mating.”
Mating.
I think “mating” is a weird word to use because mating donates consent. And a seal screaming doesn’t sound like consent. We all know what the word “NO!” sounds like in any language. I then realized that the entire Animal Kingdom is built on a rapey foundation.
What I’m trying to say is all seals are rapists, especially the one who raped Heidi Klum. How else did he get those scars on this face?
It’s an abbreviation for “totally available.” A friend asked what I was doing this weekend and I said, “Oh man I’m totes avails…” So now I have to kill myself. I feel like the out-of-touch principal trying to fit in with kid slang.
“I know you kids think those marijuana cigarettes are totally tubular, but you know what’s really radical - pogs! Now who wants to hang in my office and play the super nintendo?”
The only slang phrases I can realistically pull off is “back in the day” and “Do you carry lavender epsom salts?”
ME: Well the evidence that climate change is caused by humans is overwhelming.
THEM: I don’t know.
ME: But the vast majority of scientists agree…
THEM: I don’t knowwww.
ME: But the people who don’t believe in climate change all have a vested interest in not believing in it. They’re not just looking at the facts. They’re looking at the fact that believing in climate change will hurt their bottom line.
THEM: I don’t knowwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I got my first skaudition tomorrow. I hope I get a skallback.
The other night she was having an obviously scary dream so I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Shhhh it’s ok. It’s ok. Sooner or later we’re all going to die.”
I have to admit, my expectation levels for succes in standup have changed. When I started I thought, “I’m going to be on TV! I’m going to be in movies! I’m going to be a headliner!” I did a show two nights ago in a bar where a guy walked by me with a basket of chicken tenders and all I could think was, “Wow, he must really have his shit together.”
Sometimes two, even three times a night guys.
When I moved to California, I wanted to get into surfing but it was too hard, so I got into couch surfing. Even that was hard. I’d find a pullout and a dude would pop out, “Locals only bro.”
I am a standup comedian in LA and
I want to make you giggle.
HEYRON@MAC.COM
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