RULES FOR MAKING AN 80’S MOVIE

1. Must have a fat guy.

2. Fat guy must be eating in every scene OR he must end a scene where he is not eating by saying something about food (i.e. “Are you going to eat that?”, “Let’s get something to eat!”, “I eat my feelings.”)

3. Must have a plethora of racially insensitive stereotypes. Note, only ever use the ‘Happy Black Guy’ stereotype. NEVER the ‘Angry Militant Black’ stereotype. Unless the ‘Angry Militant Black stereotype is used to scare the ‘Rich White Asshole’ stereotype, then it’s ok because it’s not racist. (For further reading, please see Revenge of the Nerds).

4. Must have a food fight scene (note, you can substitute frogs)

5. Must have a scene where a cake flies through the air (slow motion shot obviously) and have it land on an authority figure (preferable the ‘Angry White Mustachioed Dean’ stereotype). While this can be done in your food fight scene, I would recommend having it at a fancy catered event (i.e., wedding, prom, alumni reception.) Note, if you go with prom, you can substitute a punch bowl for the cake but the punch must be red.

6. Must have huge dorm room or house that no actual college student could ever live in.

7. Boobs. Make it rain that shit all over the screen.

8. You know the ‘Nerdy Friend Who Isn’t Hot at First But Then Totally Is Later’ stereotype? The house she lives in MUST have stairs. Always. You need it for the slow motion walk she’ll have down the stairs (after she’s let her hair down), so our hero can be all like, ”Whaaa… Darlene, is that you?” This shot will also be in the trailer.

9. Close up shots of girls’ crotches in spandex. This can be at the beach while our guys watch girls in unitards roller skate (because that was a thing) OR if the movie is not set in California (which is rare), it can be shot through the windows of an aerobics studio. Note, it’s a guaranteed laugh line if you end the scene with the ‘White Fat Guy’ stereotype saying something like, “I wouldn’t mind eating that!” 

10. The ‘Nerd White Hero Virgin’ stereotype has to punch the ‘Rich White Asshole’ stereotype or something like that. It doesn’t really matter. As long as there’s a choreographed dance or song at some point. Note, make sure to have the ‘White Fat Guy’ stereotype NOT dancing, but instead eating all the food at the now vacant buffet table.

From the getting-a-blowjob-while-playing-the-guitar-scene in 1984’s Hardbodies.

Acting motherfuckers. 

HARDBODIES

If you guys want to see a real bag of crap of a movie, may I recommend watching Hardbodies on Netflix Instant? It’s hard to know where to begin with this one, but the movie is basically about a young guy helping three older (disgusting looking) men fool women into having sex with them. Some of the things you will see are:

- A guy who wears the shirt “Boogie Till You Puke” for the entire movie (which takes places over multiple days)

- Kenneth from Can’t Buy Me Love in drag. You know, the nerdy red-haired friend of Ronald MIller who yells, “You shit on my house!”

- A scene where an old guy plays a guitar while getting a blowjob and then breaks the string when he ejaculates.

- A joke where one of the older disgusting guys calls the other older disgusting guy “an asshole” and then the third older disgusting guy says, “You guys want to see an asshole?” and then turns around and bends over. It’s fucking terrible.

Like I said, it’s a real bag of crap. I can’t recommend it enough. And the best part? There’s a sequel.

Not so humble brag coming your guys… I am listed in the Wikepedia page for the 2010 vampire spoof film Vampire Sucks.

So yeah, Mom, I guess you can say things are going pretty well.

At a show in NYC a few weeks ago, this guy recognized me from The Rotten Tomatoes Show. This is astounding for three reasons:

1. Not many people watched the show.

2. I was rarely on it. 

3. Honestly, not many people watched the show. It was on Current TV for christ sakes.

He then told me I am on the wikipedia page for Vampire Sucks.

A lot of people wonder what it’s like to be famous. Now that I can speak from a position of authority (that authority being that I’m on the fucking wikipedia page for Vampire Sucks), I can say that it’s pretty great. People are nicer and food tastes better. Couple of things to keep me in mind - I ask that you no longer look me in the eyes (obvie) and make no comments on the Lenny-Kravitz-style-bamboo-vest I just bought on Melrose.

See you guys at The Standard. (Remember, no eye contact!)

Munk is what they call chipmunk jizz, right?

Remember the carnival scene in Revenge of the Nerds when Lewis dresses as Darth Vader and Bettie has sex with him in the moon bounce because she thinks it is her boyfriend Stan? 

Uh yeah, so I just realized that was rape. Sure they made it fun gotcha! rape, but it was still rape.

Now yes, the case can be made that it was ok, because in the end she liked it. But that my friends is a chance you never want to take. Raping someone because you think that they’re going to like it by the end is a horrific way to meet women. But apparently it makes for good scenes in movies.

The worst part is you know the character of Lewis is going to try this again because “it worked that one time in college.”

VISTA THEATER
4473 Sunset Dr. LA CA 90027 

I recently joined the LA Conservancy and went to one of their Historic Theaters Committee meetings. They always meet at a different historic theater and the last one I attended was at the Vista Theater. Before the meeting starts, you get a tour and a little history. Probably the most interesting thing I learned is that the Vista was constructed on the same site as the sets of D.W. Griffiths’s Babylon-inspired “Intolerance.”  And parts of the set were used in construction of the theater. (Those sets also inspired the designs of the mall at Hollywood and Highland.)

It’s an interesting building because the exterior is Spanish Colinial while the interior is Egyptian. The reason why is that King Tut’s tomb was unearthed in 1922 so America was obssessed with all things Egyptian.

If your a fan of LA history, you should def check out the LA Conservancy. They do walking tours every week all around LA. Tickets are $5 for members, $10 for the general public. Click here to check it out.

Future by Design is an Oscar-nominated documentary on Netflix instant and def worth a watch. It moves a little slow but the main guy, an inventor/architect named Jacque Fresco, is really fun to watch. I don’t necessarily think a lot of his ideas are logical or something I would campaign for, but I always appreciate the effort of people on the fringe trying to figure out what the hell tomorrow is going to look like. 

I think the most interesting thing is that he believes architecture and design are the real tool to changing behaviors. 

Part of Rooftop Comedy’s Daily 8 today. It’s a clip on how bad the Transformers movie is. Not this recent bad one, but the really bad one before that. 

Click here to watch

I love reading stories about old Hollywood stars. I’ve read about the Fatty Arbuckle case before, but I had no idea that after a derailed career, he signed a contract in 1933 to make a new feature film and then died in his sleep that night. Jesus, how cinematic. 

Rest of the “How 8 Famous Acquitted Defendants Spent the Rest of Their Lives” at Mental Floss